Have a question about this? Bring it to Hypatia.
I want to draw a distinction between the conditions that make love particular and the conditions that make love contingent.
Particular love says: I love you, this person, in this form. It changes as you change because it is genuinely tracking you.
Contingent love says: I love you as long as you are who I need you to be.
The work of love in a long-term relationship — romantic, familial, or friendship — is learning to hold the particularity while loosening the contingency. To keep loving the person who is changing into someone you did not entirely plan for.
This does not mean accepting harm. It means staying curious about who the person actually is, rather than maintaining a fixed image of who they should be.
The grandmother who loves her grandchild through the choices she would not have made is doing the hardest and most essential work of love. She is practicing particularity without contingency. That is what I mean by the love that keeps showing up.
Go deeper with Hypatia
Apply this to your actual situation. Hypatia will meet you where you are.
Start a session